jumper dweller

As I write this I am filled with disappointment in both myself (in general) and with my choice of style inspiration du jour. I have just watched a wonderfully interesting video by Liv Purvis concerning the wardrobe of a certain Brittany Bathgate , and now I find myself deep in a pit of despair , not due to the fault of either of the aforementioned people, but due to the fact that I could not, even if I tried super hard, be like them (or in particular, Brittany Bathgate). It’s quite common, it seems, to aspire to be like people we could never be like, or are so far from being like now, that it seems impossible. It’s a difficult thing to come to terms with - that our aspirations are so far from our reality. Perhaps it’s an opportunity to rethink why we aspire to these people, and ask ourselves what part of us we see in them. What in them do we identify with? Brittany Bathgate is a prime example of someone whose style is so, so far from mine. I enjoy colour, odd pairing...

I'm no makeup guru. Very few of us are, let me tell you that. But! Most girls are relatively well-versed in the ways of socially-acceptable-face-paint and in this new series I've literally just thought of starting, I'll be addressing a whole bunch of things I just cannot get to grips with, in hope of reaching out to those humans who also have no idea what they're doing at/with life. Let's begin with a skill (yes, it's definitely a skill) that I've yet to learn: make up and all its splendour.  I'll be sharing a little makeup experiment that I undertook the other night and while I loved doing it (seriously so fun), I felt so un-me. I felt painted like a china doll. Maybe I'll never be able to wear foundation for a whole day successfully? Who knows. But in a way, I loved the flawless china-doll-in-a-good-way finish it gave me. Maybe I just need to be braver (and get up earlier).  Confidence is something that a lot of perceivably-confi...

I don't really know how to begin this post. Well, I do: with uncertainty. Sometimes I wonder if I learnt anything from inpatient as a teen, but in true retrospect and through meeting some wonderful people, I know I learnt a lot - patience, tolerance, skills for recovery and more. This is a personal account of my seven hospital admissions: four different units, adult and adolescent, off island placements and unfortunately, one six month treatment order (more commonly known as section three). I know that despite the upset and turmoil that taints these experiences, they have in part made me the person I am today: strong, reasonably balanced and (I like to think) kind. As they say, out of struggle comes strength.  *Disclaimer: I'm going to make this post as un-triggering as I can but there will be some mention (not graphic in any way) of self-injurious behaviours, psychosis and eating issues, so be warned). All names of people and places have been changed to preserve priv...

Good afternoon folks! Today I wanted to address something that not a lot of people talk about openly on the interwebs: addiction and the recovery from it. I will put a small trigger warning on this post, though there won't be any graphic details, so worry not. Thanks for clicking on this post and I hope I can impart some wisdom from my personal struggle with addiction (doubtful but let's give it a go).  You might not think, if you know me personally, that I've struggled with addiction. A lot of people see the word 'addiction' and immediately assume drugs, drink, sex, smoking, and it's true that I've never struggled with any of those things, but I do have experience with a different, psychological, addiction. It was to self-injury , and I was even treated with a drug called Naltrexone, which is more commonly used to treat heroin-addiction.  After eight years of intense, all-consuming addiction to self-injury, you might wonder how I ever ...

An eccentric outfit I put together, then removed almost immediately! If you're reading this blog, you might well know that eccentricity and dressing differently is something I value. However, you will not know that I'm becoming more and more drawn to "conventional" clothes, and this instills a deep fear in me. If you've selected to read this post, maybe you're also struggling with the paradoxical desire to be express yourself, while not feeling comfortable in the clothes you used to wear quite happily (the "exciting/different" ones). Is it a part of growing older? Or is it just part of a style evolution? Let's explore!  Disclaimer: I'm not trying to articulate that dressing in a monochromatic/conventional way is undesirable in general, but rather that I struggle with the idea!  One day you wake up, everything seems normal, the sun is shining, the birds are singing and you are at ease. Until you walk over to the wardrobe, open i...

I doubt I'll even publish this post. There we are, a doubt. They appear to pervade my very being, sneaking in like tiny, maybe even microscopic, woodworm. And so begins 'the rot' , a concept I've been playing with recently in a few poems.  'The Rot' is a deep and intense feeling that what you're doing isn't right. That choice wasn't right, and neither was that one, but once you've found the 'correct' (does such a thing even exist?) path, the rot will cease in its expansion, it will reform into the solid wood you once knew.  But how do we know what the right choice really is? The answer, in my opinion, can go in two different directions (which gives room for doubt, of course). 1) Your strong intuition will inform you of the 'right' choice at a time when a 'wrong' choice is being seriously considered (perhaps I'm experiencing this now?), and b) You never, ever, really know which is the right path until you...

The comfort zone exists only to confine us to what we know, accept and are able to control. Let's get out of the comfort zone (read: trap); no growth is possible there.  So that's a thing that came into my head just now, while I was thinking about how to write this post that I promised to write yesterday but was unable to due to crippling anxiety. It's weird how the majority of my anxiety resides in 'the comfort zone'. You'd think it would primarily dapple everything outside of what I know and am able to control, but no: work, everyday tasks, health - they are all drenched in it. Anxiety is a malevolent house cat, it sits at the end of your bed, awaiting the next time it might be able to make your life uncomfortable.  But! This post is not about anxiety, that was merely a side-track I scooted down for a few moments. This post is about wearing things outside of your comfort zone and how doing so can change your life for the better. It can induce fee...

Art socks and gooseberries! Good morning (okay, it's evening now, it took me three days to formulate this post!) folks! Firstly, some housekeeping: you might have noticed (or not) that I've returned to blogger. This was for a few reasons, primarily that blogger is free and I'm entering major saving-mode for my MA in September (exciting, eh?), so I rationalised that the money for Squarespace wasn't really worth it. Secondly, I find blogger a lot easier to use (probably because I'm used to it...) and I think it's nicer for you guys. Anyway, housekeeping over and time to focus on something I've been thinking a lot about recently - life and its many winding paths, and how the indecisive human can traverse these paths safely and happily. I have a few ideas, which make up the titles below. So, let's give this some thought! I apologise also if this post is a little lack-lustre, I'm super tired from holiday and am having a smidge of a bad time wi...