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And So Begins the Rot: doubt, intuition and fear


I doubt I'll even publish this post. There we are, a doubt. They appear to pervade my very being, sneaking in like tiny, maybe even microscopic, woodworm. And so begins 'the rot', a concept I've been playing with recently in a few poems. 

'The Rot' is a deep and intense feeling that what you're doing isn't right. That choice wasn't right, and neither was that one, but once you've found the 'correct' (does such a thing even exist?) path, the rot will cease in its expansion, it will reform into the solid wood you once knew. 

But how do we know what the right choice really is? The answer, in my opinion, can go in two different directions (which gives room for doubt, of course). 1) Your strong intuition will inform you of the 'right' choice at a time when a 'wrong' choice is being seriously considered (perhaps I'm experiencing this now?), and b) You never, ever, really know which is the right path until you've taken it. There are an exceedingly large number of choices that lead us towards taking a certain path. To get to an 'incorrect' one without quite realising until the last minute seems unlikely, but perhaps that intuition might just save you from a grand mistake.

I've just written (and maybe you have read it) a post about relinquishing the power over your life and letting life take you in the direction it will inevitably go. This, I now realise, was slightly unhelpful for my particular situation and I'm sure many of yours. Life can't just push you down a path that requires a big decision. Only you can make that choice, actively and with intent for a future involving that choice. 

I have doubts about the choice I'm about to make, but how much of that is a natural response to a daunting task, in my case a three-year MA in Continental Philosophy. How much of it is fear? Fear of: responsibility, failure, commitment to a lengthly academic program, my own ability. 

It's natural to feel scared of the unknown. But when is that fear about your intuition giving you a nudge in the 'right' direction? I am terrified I am not meant to do what I'm about to do. The MA might not take me where I want to go. Perhaps it would though, but am I destined for academia? (Please forgive the speculatory and personal nature of this post. It's nearly 3am. Enough said!) 

Use your talents, they say. But what can I do with writing? I'm not nearly good enough at that. 
Use your experience to help people, they say. But I'm not totally well, I'd be no use to others. 
Doubt, doubt, doubt. 
And so begins the rot. 


If you're feeling the same, perhaps you're about to make a big life decision, I implore you: think it through so thoroughly that you become sick of thinking about it. Toss over the possible outcomes. Pick apart what it will take to do the task and where it will take you. Address issues and solve problems that might come of it. And please, listen to your intuition, it tells us things we cannot know consciously. 

Or does it? 
And so begins the rot. 

Anyway, that's my advice/ponderings from late this evening. I doubt (once again) that this has been of any use to anyone, but it got it out of my system. And doubt can go away because I'm going to publish this! 

Goodnight, much love and thank you for reading. 


Comments

  1. Unknown8 July 2018 at 15:26

    Sometimes you just have to hold your nose and jump!! Be brave!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. L9 July 2018 at 02:16

      Thank you!! You're right! Thank you for commenting :)

      Delete

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