Mania and Creativity: sharing some of the poetry, photography and artwork from my last manic episode

Freehand and blindfolded drawings (I literally drew these with my eyes closed!)

Mania: it begins with productive evenings, turning to late night organisation sessions and spirals into inescapable false clarity that manifests itself as confused speech, grandiose ideas and the inability to rest. Often those with bipolar, usually depressive/hypomanic type, miss or even chase the mania once it has been masked by medication and/or has passed. I was one of those people once.

I've talked a lot about the 'schizo' part of the diagnosis of schizoaffective, whilst almost ignoring the bipolar aspect. It is now time, I feel ready, to talk about one of the poles: mania, and the work I feel blessed (not because it's good, but because I functioned well-enough for long-enough to make it) to have been able to create. Mania is an ill-designed rollercoaster. You go up and up and up, until what was once an enjoyable experience becomes a living Hell, because there is no gentle down. Rather the tracks stop mid-air and you begin to free-fall. Thankfully, there have always been people ready to catch me beneath. Some are not so lucky. 

It's worth noting, before we proceed, that I'm not attempting to romanticise mania by sharing the following things. It's not fun in any way, shape or form. But, in individuals with bipolar, the only benefit of an episode is the wonderful ideas and creative thoughts that often, but not always, come with it. And so, here are some of mine.

Let's start with poetry. I used to consider myself a prolific poet, and though I do still write, I consider this mania-induced stuff actually semi-okay (compared to my normal rubbish). Please skip ahead if you don't care for me being (in my opinion) slightly bigheaded (aka I actually admit that I'm proud of something I created).  

Drunk on Your Autonomy

As with many poems, this one was inspired by a single lyric, which seemed to sketch itself onto the page - a free flowing, written-in-one-sitting stream of consciousness. Granted, it doesn't make much sense. But I do quite like it, and that's a lot coming from me. You might notice that it's actually quitedark, a running theme in my poetry. The unavoidable dark tinge of mania is present here. 

Liquor Whore

This particular poem was birthed from a picture of a neon sign reading 'Liquor' that I found on tumblr on a late night adventure into, well, the internet. Where else? A friend of mine, Lily, who I shared a house with during this manic episode, and I decided to set this to music. The track probably exists somewhere. 

Plato's Love

I've saved, what I would consider, the best til last. The beginnings of a screenplay and a novel with the same title live in the mess that is my documents folder, inspired by the poem's spin on love, conceptualised somewhere in my mind. Side note: I'm very aware that this is a very self-indulgent post and for that I apologise! I worry about talking about myself too much. I hope you guys are still reading anyway. 

Journal Entries, Drawings and Photography

Here we see randomness, strong emotion and a mixture of the two beginning to come to the forefront. Mania can spur on an individual to create great things, but not before a whole bunch of absolute rubbish has been brain-vomited onto numerous pages, something which is so true of my experience of mania. 

Reading back on some of the journal entries, I can clearly see that I was very unwell. And ultimately, that's what mania is, and we mustn't forget that. Perhaps creativity is, in the beginning, a wonderful side-effect, but that is so often soon followed by the inability to function as normal. It becomes an uncomfortable level of activity. Sleep is neigh-on impossible and it ceases to be a useful mental state. 

Great cultural artefacts, works of art, have been born of mania but that doesn't justify it for the sufferer. Chasing the high of hypomania does no one any good.  

I was really interested in film photography at this time. Unfortunately, I just couldn't get the camera to focus. Oh well! The colours are cool at least. 

 This entry is virtually illegible and is drowned in faux-faith in a god I wasn't sure existed, though I wished I knew existed. I needed a rock and I couldn't find one. I wanted a sense that everything would be okay, which is something that no one can promise. 

Finally, a painting or two. 

Granted, I'm not a good painter and this was my first couple of attempts at large pieces, but at the time I was very proud of these two. Hindsight, eh? 

In conclusion, because it's getting pretty late me writing this post and I'm getting worried that I've shared too much/none of it has been interesting, mania can allow creative individuals to express ideas and emotions and images more fluidly and more quickly than had that state not been entered. But! This is not to say that manic episodes are fun or interesting in themselves. I'm proud of some of the work that has come out of this particular episode, but I would never wish to go through it again. 

Art, writing and photography are not worthy enough causes to justify going through what I went through and what many people with bipolar go through. And of course, not everyone who has experienced a manic episode is creative during it. I can only speak for myself and share my experiences. I hope it's been okay and sort of interesting. 

I'm going to head to bed and publish this! (But not in that order... haha). 

Thank you so much for reading. I hope you're all well. Over and out! 

(Follow me on instagram @jumper.dweller if you wish!)