The Pursuit of Thinness: how I learnt (and am learning) that it's not the answer

Hi folks, a bit of a serious one today, and I wanted to make a quick disclaimer: I can only speak for myself and share my own feelings in this post. I do not claim to, and simply cannot, speak for anyone but me. The title is slightly misleading in many ways, I am not obsessed with thinness and my current difficulties are not entirely centred around weight, but thinness is a relevant concept in the underlying issue, or more specifically the desire to disappear. So please, folks, don't pick apart this purely-opinion-based post. Again, I speak only for my experience. Anyway, on to the post.

Some Context

I am currently dealing with  a bout of disordered eating. I'm effectively a tight-rope walker. On one side of the rope lies 'don't eat that' and 'no, not that either', while on the other lies 'you're a human Louise, you've got to eat'. This is usually how a relapse begins. At the moment, I'm just about keeping my balance and managing to maintain a healthy weight, not that weight is really all that relevant anyway.

It's important to note that I'm not currently diagnosed with an eating disorder, I have been diagnosed with EDNOS (restrictive type) in the past, when I was around seventeen and came into contact with eating disorder services and managed to turn things around pretty quickly, thanks to early intervention and good support.

However, now, the lack of diagnosis is a spanner in the works. It makes me feel like a fraud and I feel like one even now, writing this post. 'How could I be struggling when I ate today?' and 'I don't look like I have issues with eating' and 'I can't talk to anyone about this, they won't believe me'. It's entirely ridiculous as it's relatively common knowledge that anyone at any weight can struggle with disordered eating.

But the ugly head of the old behaviours has risen and I feel powerless to defend myself. But I must remind myself that I am at the helm of this ship and only I can choose whether to sail towards the rocky outcrop of the disorder or towards land and the safety of recovery. In this post, I'm going to attempt to convince everyone, including myself, that no matter how seductive and all-consuming the pull of the disordered behaviours are, they serve no purpose but to mask something that can be fixed in some other way. Healthier habits are the only way forward.

Choosing 'recovery' or in this case forming healthier habits and coping mechanisms

Everyone I've met has told me that recovery is a choice and I've never heard anything ring so true. But it's not a choice made once, it's a choice that has to be made every single day. Breakfast suddenly becomes a step to take every day, along with all other meals and snacks, towards a brighter future.

The behaviours might seem like the easiest option, for me they often do, I can tell you that, but they will never give you a result worth fighting for. They simply offer the life of a slave, where the slave in question holds the key to their own chains but doesn't quite realise it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm over-simplifying the process of forming healthier habits. The key is never in plain sight. And it's not your, or my, fault if some days things are too much and maladaptive behaviours occur again. But it is a possibility to start anew the next day and once again choose recovery.

I believe that recovery will feel like a choice once 'the root' has been addressed. I use the term 'root' loosely as some, or even a lot of, people won't know what theirs is. It might take a lot of therapy to find the root, it might never become apparent. But to know what the behaviours are masking is to take hold of the key and take it to the lock (that metaphor again, really Louise?, I hear you say...). It might be cripplingly low self-esteem, or problems at home, or fears about the future. The disordered eating could be a way of coping with any of these, and many more, things. It's a safety net in a way, but an entirely false one, I assure you.

For me, I'm fairly sure that my focus on eating less, losing weight, and generally shrinking, is due to feeling loss and aimless in life. As some of my close friends who might be reading this (thank you if you are), I used to use self-injury to manage my fears and doubts about my abilities and where I'll end up. With these self-injurious behaviours set to one side, my low self-esteem has meant that I've picked up another set of old tricks: the disordered eating. I'm working on dealing with my issues, through therapy and self-help, with the aim of becoming more informed about how my brain works and how best to move towards a happy and healthy future.

I think it's also important for anyone, but especially those struggling, to recognise that the future can be different. It doesn't have to always be the way it is now. It can be better. Make a choice your future self will be proud of.

Forming Values and an Identity Based on Healthy Choices

When we're struggling, our struggles can become a part of our identity. I definitely see this in myself with my schizoaffective diagnosis, it's so entrenched and cannot ever be 'cured', and it's something I attach to the rest of my life. In fairness, forming an identity is difficult enough for anyone and it's even harder when so much of 'you' or 'me' is buried beneath a selection of maladaptive behaviours. But! It can be done, and I have a few ideas about how to do it. 

'The' Eating Disorder 

I think separating yourself from the disorder or disordered behaviours is the first step. It was not 'my' eating disorder but rather a parasitic creature that had adhered itself to me in an attempt to bring me down and cause, in a general, a lot of chaos. That's why I think it's really helpful to refer to eating issues with 'the' rather than 'my'. It might seem like I'm just being pedantic here, but I really believe that distancing yourself from the issue/diagnosis is very helpful in moving forward. 

It's no one's fault

No one would choose to struggle with anything. If life could be easy breezy with no hiccups or difficulties, plain sailing, I'm sure everyone would opt for that. It's crucial to know that you're not to blame for what has gone on and what is going on. 

Who could you be without the disorder?

Sometimes times get so dark and it seems like the behaviours are too ingrained and that nothing will ever get better. But I promise you and am promising myself that things will improve, because I want to know who I could be when I'm not consumed with unhealthy thoughts. 

I think about who I want to be: successful, strong, kind; and compare it to who I am right now: apathetic, unmotivated, needy. I think about who I could be without these issues: a mother, a good girlfriend, a supportive friend; and I know what I'd rather choose. Again, with the choice thing. You might not be ready to choose recovery right now, but the you-without-the-disorder will become a more and more attractive option as time goes by, or so I hope, for your and my sake. 

I absolutely love American Psycho, this may seem a little off-piste but I promise it's relevant, and I wanted to make a comparison between two things. At the end of the book, Patrick Bateman feels trapped in his situation, in the novel even, and looks to a doorway, which we could say is unhelpful behaviours, where above there is a sign which proclaims 'This is not an exit'. Disordered eating is not an exit, it might be a mask for underlying issues (known or unknown) but you cannot escape through that particular door, it leads only right back to where you started. 

Right folks, I'm sorry if this post seems a little cut-off. I realised it's hugely long and wanted to spare you guys. I hope you've enjoyed this post and that I've not said anything out of line. If you're struggling, I implore you to seek support and I hope this post has offers a bit of motivation. 

You're all fab! If you feel like it, please follow me on Instagram @jumper.dweller 

Over and out <3