Good evening folks! I hope you're all well. I wanted to write today about something that I've been thinking a lot about recently: body positivity relating to scars.
It's no secret that I used to self-harm. Unfortunately, to most people I know, it's glaringly obvious, or at least used to be. I've covered a lot of my scars with tattoos (a very cathartic practice, might I add), making the 'ugly' into 'beautiful', but the texture of the skin and many of the scars on my legs remain noticeable. I don't really mind all that much about the scars in winter, but boy, oh boy, as soon as the sun hits my skin, the scars which lack melanin (the pigment that creates tan) become even more obvious, resulting in my feeling self-conscious and uncomfortable.
In a last-ditch attempt to feel good in my own skin, I'm writing this post to persuade myself (something I seem to do a lot) and any of you lot who have bothersome scars, that we are beautiful not just despite but also because of our scars. This is not to romanticise self-harm or any related topic, but to form a route to self-acceptance and self-love. Oh, and Chris and I took some cool pics of me to prove this very important point.
Angry Skin: a treaty with the body
When I was deep in my addiction to self-harm, I always described my skin as 'angry'. The healed injuries remained purple for months and it bothered me deeply. Hiding very fresh scars and certainly active cuts is something I deemed essential and a lot of the time, I would recommend covering these, even purely for avoiding the stares that come with them. Ultimately, it's up to you, but making peace with the colour of the scars at the moment with help them progress to the white slivers they eventually become.
The prospect of being able to show your arms/legs/wherever without shame is exciting. It can even become a project: the application of bio-oil could be a daily self-care ritual, online shopping for short-sleeved tops could be a little hobby for the approaching summery days, and it could even be a deterrent from injuring the skin you're working to protect.
This is not to say that self-harm scars are shameful, they are physical manifestations of a deeper issue, which itself must be dealt with. The 'battle scars' cliché can romanticise the issue; it's not 'cool' to have struggled and I'm sure the majority of those who self-harm/have self-harmed would rather not have the scars as a reminder of darker times. But in short, they are permanent and they will not vanish. However, they can and will fade. They will begin to mean less and less, the more you build a life separate from them. Self-harm doesn't have to be our master, it can be fought and conquered, though it will take hard work and a lot of determination.
I've only self-harmed once in the past two years and I've not cut for the entirety of that time, but the scars which have now aged and grown pale remain and remind me every day that I don't want to go back to that place. I have agreed to a treaty with my body, to actively choose to treat myself with more kindness and to accept that the past is the past and the future is in my hands only. I am no longer a slave to my addiction. Anyone can get there and I have so much faith in all of you who are struggling.
Fair Weather Bodies: once the storm has passed
Scars whiten, once purple, now silvery, they represent struggles of the past and the possibility of future struggles. Now the task in hand becomes accepting the 'fair weather' body you are now encased in - it can be difficult, that I know, but it's worth the effort. I'm currently living in a fair weather body (which I shall definitely have to write a poem about now I've thought of that phrase), and I'm enjoying it more and more.
There are so many reasons not to harm yourself and being able to show arms and legs and not melt in jumpers and jeans in summer is not exactly a hugely meaningful one, but being able to dare to bare is something I find really enriches my life. I'm beginning to feel proud of having looked after my body better for these past two years. I might not feel wonderful looking at the scars, but they are proof that I can choose healthier coping mechanisms. Self harm isn't indicative of weakness, but choosing not to indulge self-destructive behaviours is definitely a sign of strength.
Taking these photos has been so therapeutic for me, and if you decide to take some too, please share them with me on instagram (find me @jumper.dweller).
The body is a thing of beauty, scars or not, and self-care, self-acceptance and self-love are the routes to a deep sense of respect for the physical side of your being. It's over-stated, but you only get one body. Why not enjoy it while you can?
You are beautiful because you are unique, imperfections included!
I'm really sorry if this post was a bit rushed and not quite representative of the title, I started to feel a bit dissociated half-way through and I was determined to finish it. I hope you guys enjoyed it somewhat and found at least a few sentences of it helpful. You're all fab!
Let's destigmatise self-harm with romanticising it!
Much love and thank you for reading,
Louise <3
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