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Feeling Sexy and Feeling Empowered: dressing for yourself and no one else

A recent outfit! 

Recently, it appears, I have undergone some strange sort of metamorphosis. Could it be that (albeit dyed) copper fibres have crowded my scalp? (Men like long hair, apparently). Or that my weight has redistributed to create rounded hips, a narrow waist and lean(ish) limbs? (Men like these proportions, apparently). It's true, my body has matured as well as my mind. 

And so, I am faced with a new dilemma: whether to embrace the 'sexiness' (I will be using this term throughout and it is not to be confused with dressing provocatively or in overly risqué outfits) that my newly womanish body now exudes or hide it away. In this post, I'll be explaining why I choose the former. It is both a feminist issue and a personal battle, and I will be basing my discourse on my experience, I cannot speak for everyone, or indeed anyone but me. 

Another recent outfit (it was hot, okay?!)

Now, for some context regarding my experience. Firstly, until now, I could never have been considered 'pretty', 'girly', 'feminine' or any such descriptors. Rather, my exceptionally-short-hair/completely-shaved-head (and that neither suited me) and penchant for baggy, boyish clothing staved off all such compliments. The rare occasions when 'pretty' was applicable were few and far between, usually when I wore Japanese lolita fashion, when it was the clothes, not me, that were dramatically beautiful and hyperfeminine. 

Secondly, I desperately fear being looked at for any reason bar 'oh that person is wearing a very bright jumper' and the very idea of being observed for my physical form and not my clothes fills me with fear. This might sound rather paradoxical, considering that 'colour is my uniform' (thank you to Jordan, a friend of mine, who came up with that line), but I have no explanation. It is extremely paradoxical. Being cat-called recently was horrifying. I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable and I just wanted to disappear in a puff of smoke, which is unfortunately impossible, though would have been convenient. The 'male gaze' (though anyone's-gaze really) is not something I care for at all. Invisibility is a super power I've always coveted. 

My legs! 

I hear you gasp: 'So Louise, how can you profess to want to embrace your 'sexiness'?' And I answer: it's all about power, control, self-respect and self-care. 

Sexiness is an incredibly powerful tool; it both yields the power we have over our bodies, how we present and use them, how we feel within ourselves, and gives us a sense of power over our surroundings and how we are viewed. Our power over our reproductive potential and our loves and lusts is an integral part of sexiness as a concept, but let's focus primarily on how sexiness can make us feel and the repercussions of that feeling. The feeling that embracing sexiness gives me can be summed up in a few words: a deep sense of respect for my physicality. It gives me a sense of control in an uncontrollable world, a sense of understanding that to be a bodily being is to be desired in some way (not just sexually or physically, of course, but also for friendship and intellect and creativity). As physical beings we are spurred on to create, and particularly as a female-bodied person, I respect and appreciate the control I have over my power to create. 

Kanken and backless loafers = an excellent combination!

Sexiness is more than a means of attracting a potential mate, it is a method of self-talk, a source of encouragement that the body too is valuable, not just the mind. With the value of the body understood (and sexiness is one of many aspects of the body's multi-faceted and inherent value), we can begin to truly engage in self-care. Embracing physicality gives me a respect for my body and the plethora of functions it manages without my knowing. Furthermore, it incites a thirst to care for this body, and a thankfulness for my health and modern medicine. I feel inspired to fuel and care for my body, as if I abuse it, it cannot function as it should. I feel powerful in knowing that my body is solely for me to care for. 

Self-care is something I am trying to focus on at the moment and I'm sure many of you may struggle at times. Sexiness, and the health sexiness entails, is a protective factor in my daily decision to choose recovery. Learning to embrace sexiness has been an empowering process for me. 

Sexiness means a power over our physical form, not wearing short skirts or low-cut tops: it's deeper than that. It gives us a respect for our potential to create, a gratefulness for the inner workings of our bodies which are beyond our control, which in turn motivates us to engage in self-care and provokes the act of self-love. It can improve self-esteem, in spite of, not because of the 'male gaze'. 

Silly pose!

I feel sexy because I am me: a valuable human being, overflowing with potential, just like all of you reading this. Do whatever makes YOU feel sexy, dressing for yourself and no one else, showing your body or not. It's a state of mind and it is wonderful. 

Right, guys, a bit of a long one! Gold star if you read to the end and I hope you enjoyed this ramble of mine. If you feel like it, follow me on instagram @jumper.dweller

Thank you so much for reading, much love, over and out! <3  

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